Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Legend 🤣🤣
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life