The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
my first dose meeting my second
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked