[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
getting groceries
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
this will hang in the louvre one day
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.