[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
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it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.