Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
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When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
girls literally only want one thing..
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
There’s never enough good news
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo