[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
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[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Netflix and you sit over there.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that