How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
You Might Also Like
X-tra spooky blend
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When you’re here for the treats.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
So inspired right now.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being