Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
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“I wouldn’t.”
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Britain be like
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Um … Hot Wings please
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.