Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
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*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you