Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
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ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
They did not think through this water fountain
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work