starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
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You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately