Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
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if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.