ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
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Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
mumsnet is amazing
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Guantanamo Bae
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.