[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
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*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Stop sending me this shit.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.