[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
You Might Also Like
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.