[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
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Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
🤣😂
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.