[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
cats when you pet them too long:
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.