My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
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Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude