[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Who does Amazon think I am?
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.