[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
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Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
a lot to unpack here
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
One of the best
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining