[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
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When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”