*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
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me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
subtitles are so good nowadays
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*