*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
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I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name