*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
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Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting