[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
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When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
X-tra spooky blend
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.