[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.