*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.