*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
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stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”