*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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Every photo I’m tagged in
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
that lip filler tho
2023 was just a warmup
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?