*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
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*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Just so funny
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.