*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
so i’m at the stock market right
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Blew out my flip flop…
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????