*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
This pepper has seen some shit
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.