*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
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I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”