[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.