[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
But wait…
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that