Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
HOW DARE YOU