[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
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I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
normalize having existential bread
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.