Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
You Might Also Like
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.