Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.