Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
They did not miss in the small print
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.