Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
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There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
A ghost story
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”