@Blarebare: Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They're your soulmate.
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@AristotlesNZ: Txt my wife to ask if the gardener came & how 5yo's 1st day of school was. She txt back "He's naked on the couch". I'm afraid to ask who..
@pleatedjeans: If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
@JohnLyonTweets: Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!