[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
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MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.