Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
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When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Holy moly
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Butt weight. There’s more!
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Does this dress make me look cat?