Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.