@ewfeez: Start reading to your kids as early as possible. I start around 2:30 a.m.
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@GreenishDuck: Text your dad "egg salad sandwich" four times in one day. He'll probably think his phone is broken.
@TheTweetOfGod: Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
@Izianikapani: It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
@TheWoodenslurpy: [at stadium with child] Me: That is batball. [at the races] Me: That is horse circles. [at the opera] Me: This is horned yodeling.