My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
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To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
i smell a pulitzer
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.