WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
I occasionally drink every single night.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.