astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?