Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
When you’re here for the treats.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?