Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option