@Lisabug74: Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
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@SCbchbum: If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color...is it...gray? [OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
@WilliamRodgers: How to become a Saint 1: Become Catholic 2: Live an exemplary and pious life 3: Perform at least two miracles Or...Just Be Kanye's baby
@Landon8426: Chess with Australians must get so confusing. "Check, mate." "Naw mate, that's just a check." "That's what I said. Check, mate"