Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
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me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.