@TweetingDadGuy: Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said "I Love My Grand-dog" and I think l'm going to be ok.
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@uncle_fescue: I just saw my ex get hit by a snow plow but in all fairness I have never driven one of these before.
@badbanana: Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
@LeBearGirdle: Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight *checks phone* Jesus: WHO IN DAD'S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!" *judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
@sirchutney: Who just rang my doorbell? Its either: 1. A murderer 2. The police 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking